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Yeah, I’m gonna complain about the heat even though I’m inside doing nothing except binging on margarita melon popsicles and Netflix.

The popsicles are smooth and cool but Netflix is a bit judgy, asking me every several hours, “Are you still watching?” Yes, yes, I am and what’s it to ya? Sheesh.

I’ve also changed my status on social media from “married” to “in a relationship with my air conditioner.” That’s also where I saw a post from a friend who said it’s so hot her chickens are laying hard boiled eggs and picking up worms with potholders. Another friend posted that while she hated to complain, it’s so hot that when she went out to get groceries, two hobbits threw a ring at her.

It’s hot as fried Hades out there. Seriously, this weather be like training for a trip down below so, when I do take breaks from my Netflix binging, I mostly just go to the freezer to get another popsicle, but, I do take a few moments to pray for salvation on the way ‘cause this weather is proving me ill prepared for an extended visit with Beelzebub.

I mentioned this to a friend who replied, “I feel ya, honey. I got a voice message on my phone today. It was The Devil calling to say he wants his weather back.” We both whole-heartedly agreed he could have it.

I’ve taken to shoving my bed pillows into the freezer a couple hours before I go to bed. I tried freezing the sheets but by the time I got them back on the bed, I was sweating like a sinner in church and the sheets had completely defrosted. So that was a bust.

Honestly, I’m so hot I’m sweating enough to be my own slip ‘n slide. Just need to lay me down some plastic wrap on the lawn and yeehaw!

When it gets this hot, it’s a challenge to figure out what to wear. My Aunt Pearl used to say, “Honey, dress for the body you have not, the body you want and you’ll be elegant all year long.” Obviously Aunt Pearl never endured a Northern California heat wave. Still, she’d probably shake her head at me (while others cover their eyes) as I’m having a hard time not taking off what little I should keep on. Good thing we don’t get many unexpected visitors at our place.

Speaking of what to wear when it’s hotter than blue blazes, Golem studio in Paris has created the OoOoooOoooOh la l’ice necklace. It’s a solid silver chain that comes with a custom-made silicone tray that allows the wearer to freeze “ice cube stones” on the chain, on demand. When not iced, oooOoooOoooh la l’ice can be worn as a silver beaded necklace, or doubled as a choker. How clever is that albeit a bit messy as the ice melts and drips for about 30 minutes but still, what with all the sweating happening in this hot weather I’m wet already, so who cares?

I thought this would be the perfect gift for … myself. Alas, it’s not carried on Amazon and I can’t afford a trip to Paris, so I decided I’d make my own low-tech version of this upscale item. I am, if nothing else, the poor woman’s version of Martha Stewart. The “recipe” which got ridiculously rave reviews on line involved ice cubes, a glass of water, cotton string and salt. Sadly, it was neither fashionable nor effective.

Making margarita-melon popsicles is much easier and infinitely more satisfying than making an ice cube necklace so for those of you who wish to chillax, here’s the recipe. I suggest putting a mix of tunes such as, “The Heat is On,” “Hot Blooded,” “Hot Fun in the Summertime,” “Love is Like a Heat Wave,” “Sun is Shining,” “Summer in the City,” “I’m on Fire,” “Highway to Hell” and “The Heat is On” while mixing up a batch.

Directions: Stir together tequila, orange liqueur, fresh lime juice and coarse salt in a large bowl. Cut cantaloupe and watermelon into wedges. Soak melon in tequila mixture for 15 minutes. Insert ice-pop sticks into wedges. Freeze on a rack-lined baking sheet for 1 hour.

Don’t have popsicle sticks? Not to worry just freeze the pre-soaked melon wedges and eat with your fingers or chop and eat with a fork or, better yet, chop and use in a margarita on the rocks cocktail ‘cause it’s always 5 o’clock somewhere dontchya know.

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